Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
