I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
