Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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