I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
