I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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