"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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