She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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