before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
