I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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