Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
