Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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