I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Too much gin, very little bucket
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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