My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
