you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
