i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
