I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
