Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
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