He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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