If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
