So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize