i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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