yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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