Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
nutella sex= disaster
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
