we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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