Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
