Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
