nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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