i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
