So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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