By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
