You smell like a Billy Joel song
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
