Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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