I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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