Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
