I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
