it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
