Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
