My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
