Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
