the condom got lost in my hair
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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