thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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