is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
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