I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
