If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
