I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
