i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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