He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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