so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
