I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
