Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
