oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
