I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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