Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
