2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
