My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
