I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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