Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
