a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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