Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She told me I should be a condom model.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
