foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Blood and glitter go together right?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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