her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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